Santa's Crisis Averted
December 23, 2017Share:
From the Desk of the Editor, North Pole Gazette:
Santa’s Crisis Averted
A lot of things happened in the U.S. since Santa Claus last visited. They swore in the man the citizens of the U.S., with the assistance of Russians, had elected as the new President—who insisted on extreme vetting of visitors who are not citizens of the U.S.
Santa found himself without a visa or green card. He knew that he had a rather shady history because his origins trace back to Turkey, a Middle Eastern nation. He somehow migrated through western Europe and then to the North Pole in the mid-1800s, and after a few name changes he immediately became popular in the U.S., largely due to his policy of redistributing wealth to the less fortunate. The North Pole is an area of the world without a government and Santa was having difficulty proving citizenship in any country…and the North Pole has no diplomatic connections with the U.S. Since the election of the Gilded Grinch many bans were put in place and Santa was very worried about his ability to enter the U.S. without a visa.
Fortunately, the Gilded Grinch had a self-proclaimed reputation as a negotiator and Santa was able to work out a really yuuuuge deal. Santa could bring his presents to the U.S. as a form of repatriation of wealth, but he would have to be escorted by military jets that would be fully armed and could take appropriate steps if Santa and his reindeer strayed off course. Santa also had to be out of the U.S. before sunrise on Christmas Day.
We’d Rather Gotten COAL
Another condition had to do with a really big Christmas present that the Golden Grinch and his trolls were giving the citizens of the U.S. The present he was to deliver was a really yuuuuge tax break for those entities that had corporation, Inc., or LLC contained in their name. The tax break could also be shared if you are very wealthy. Santa would have to deliver a letter to the other citizens, including their children and grandchildren, advising them of the privilege being bestowed upon them. The recipients of this letter were advised that they would have the honor of paying for the $2.5 trillion deficit for the rest of their natural lives.
Happy Holidays, Everyone!
According to my imaginary sources the crisis has been averted and all the people of the world will have a very merry and prosperous holiday season.